So here I am, watching bad movies on late night TV and sipping scotch, blogging on my dad's computer. I was just doing the dishes, and suddenly had the urge to write down a bunch of random thoughts.
So I think I'm a logical person. People tell me I am, anyways, and I tend to believe them. So why is it that I can completely ignore praise, yet even criticism from one person can bother me for weeks, even months? This summer, for instance, I worked with Amit Peled, and he told me how awful my intonation was, and i felt like shit for at least a week. I mean, logically I KNEW that my intonation wasn't nearly as bad as he claimed, I'm sure it was just some rhetorical thing to "light a fire" or something like that, but frankly it had the reverse effect, and I didn't really practice for some four days or so, and worried about it for many weeks after I began to practice again.
So it happened again recently. That "weird" lesson I had with Lesser, well, he kind of very nicely told me that my best bet is to consider pursuing conducting or gamba playing, since he doesn't think I have what it takes to be a great cellist, mainly because he feels my right hand has some deficiencies that I may not be able to overcome, but I have an excellent instinct for music and gesture, meaning I'd supposedly be just right for conducting, and of course the obvious link with gamba playing that all of my teachers bring up. But that isn't what I want. I want to be a great cellist, and maybe even a decent gambist too someday, if I try it and really like it. So these things he said really bothered me, and still do. I'm suddenly worried that maybe he's right, I mean, he'd know better than I would. But LOGICALLY that makes no sense, since I've worked with many great cellists over the years, and not one has voiced any doubts about my potential, at least not in regards to my hand. But still, this one instance is just so much more poignant than anything else said to me, and frankly it's been getting me down. And besides, who will ever want to study with me? What can I possibly show them about bow technique? That's another question that I find disturbing, since I'd really love to teach someday. Part of me is thinking, maybe I should take Lesser's suggestion and really start looking into other alternatives, just in case, but frankly that scares me, because, as I said above, what I really want to do is to be a great cellist some day, or even just a very competent one.
So tonight I was thinking about some past history. It's kind of weird, really, my first two years of school, I was so disciplined. I practiced four hours a day on average, and spent at LEAST an hour of that on practicing the fundamentals, usually a good bit more. And then suddenly, sometime second semester sophomore year, I lost most of that drive. I had a dream, where I was giving a speech in front of the senate as a recently elected senator, and I woke up with this burning desire to study politics. I had been starting to read a lot more about current events, and I guess I just needed an outlet, and after that, I had serious doubts about becoming a musician. of course I finally managed to work through that, but I have never had the same work ethic since then. I mean, I know I'm not the only one whose work ethic has evaporated. But i still wish I could get it back. I remember back then I really loved practicing, and even on the days that I didn't, I always felt, well, accomplished. I really admire the people who've managed to keep their work ethic over the years. Especially Megan. I always admired her so much for that, although I can't remember ever telling her.
I think I've spent too much time alone lately. My one link to a social life here in town has been out of town, so I haven't really done much with, well, friends. My brothers were in town for a while, but they're just, well, my brothers. I mean yeah we get along, and i love them, but really, I don't think we really "connect". Although there was this one time when my youngest brother and I took a walk to the middle of a nearby frozen lake at midnight, and we talked about his love life, and why things never worked out between him and and his best friend. I learned that I actually knew him better than I thought I did. Kind of a good feeling actually. My other brother, well, we've always gotten along, in that we like to watch bad movies together, and both have a taste for heavy metal (albeit very different types), but still, I've never gotten along with family as well as I do with my friends. i guess that's normal, or so they say, until you reach middle age. At that point, my mom keeps telling me, I'll really appreciate having two brothers. And I believe it.
Hoping to try my luck with a certain female soon. Hope that works out . . . I could use a bit of companionship, even if it's only for the few more months I'm in town. If not . . . well, the status quo isn't SO bad.
And now I have the late night drunk munchies, and a really succulent bagel awaiting consumption . . . but I'm leaving this blog open, in case anything else occurs to me.
So here's a link to a
quote posted by Andrew Sullivan. And if this doesn't make you mad, you're not an American. Or at least, it should make you uncomfortable. Because this is our nation's legal authority. Scary. The question of whether or not Bush will go down in history as our worst president is answered for me, at least, because of the people he surrounds himself with. Any president who cares about our country would fire someone on the spot for making statements like that, statements more indicative of a fascist society than a democracy.
